I was never the fastest or the smartest

I was never the fastest or the smartest, nor was I the slowest or the most stupid. I was always at my own pace not letting others changing me. However, in my younger years, I was constantly dealing with high expectations and judgments when I was growing up. How I should copy this perfect figure so that others can be delighted with what they see, not allowing me to see myself. My family, especially my mother, had high expectations of me. She wants me to be more like my brother or even better become him. My mother wants me to live up to what she wants to see, her expectations which is something impossible for me to reach. Wanting me to copy an image of something that was never there. Next thing you know I started to live in his shadow and I began to copy my older brother’s every single goddamn move. I began to plan ahead, calculating my every move but, I was still one step behind. I’ve even followed my brother doing community work but, I wasn’t much help. I watched my parents congratulate him getting his degree or his certificate but, they did not even bat an eye when I placed second during my swimming competition. My parents never recognize me for what I was successful in but the “imperfections” they would say that I had.
Growing up I was constantly admiring my older brother. I saw him as a selfless person who helps others no matter how much it would affect him. To the point where his luscious hair became long and ragged and his personal hygiene did not exist. He would always ignore me which I thought that it was my wrong, how I was in his way and that he has better things to do. However, the reason I think he ignores me because he is trying so hard to be someone of what others perceived him to be. How this one time where he helps this starling that got stuck on a branch swinging back and forth crying for help. The community thought he was a hero and I could see in his eyes he was relieved for just a moment before frantically looking for something to achieve. For a week that was what my parents were bragging about. They would ask me “Why can’t you be like him?” or tell me “I did not raise you to be like this.” However, that day as I watched him climb up the tree hidden by his shadow, I saw a piece of him disappear trying to validate himself of who he is perceived as. It wasn’t until years later when I look back and remember that time differently. How he was destroying himself for his own personal ambitions, to redeem himself. I watch him follow his heart and not his head, how he wants to redeem himself but doing all sorts of acts of kindness and become an image that was never there to begin with.
When my older brother came back from university he asked me what I saw of him. I told him how I saw him as a light for everyone to follow and I was behind him following him. I wished I could have seen the truth when I was younger. Seeing the so called perfect figure that I admired so much was never even there to begin with. How I was stuck in his shadow for years wasting my time trying to please others perceptions and chasing expectations that I know I could never possibly ever achieve. I wished I could have shown others how I saw myself and shown my own worth. I hope that it is not too late for me to correct myself and fix my own vision of myself.